On feeling friendless

I try my darnedest to never, ever intentionally hurt someone's feelings.

For a few reasons, but mostly because of something that happened in elementary school. in second grade i remember my friends and I being mean to a girl we didn't want to play with us so she would go away. And I remember seeing how hurt she was. I decided that didn't feel good, and didn't want that to ever, ever happen again. Following that incident those same "friends" started to not be as friendly, and I started to get left out of things. I'm not sure why? We were friends! But they were the cool kids. And had been friends their whole lives, and I was kinda an outsider. 

It's kinda pathetic, but I feel the same thing has happened over and over in my life. In just about every place I've lived, I have tried to make friends with people, think that we are good enough friends, and then eventually I get left in the dust.

I try really, really hard to make friends. I am a really, really shy person, but do my best to hide that, and just be a friend, to everyone. I hate talking to people I don't know, even talking on the phone is a nightmare for me. So making friends does not come easily. 

My mom used to call me a social butterfly- once I am confident in a circle of friends perhaps? Ive never really felt that way. Getting to know people does not come easily. Because over, and over I have gotten left out. Over and over I have felt the sting of being burned. And it stinks. I hate it.

I think this must be how Christ felt? Being left utterly and completely alone, and even denied by his closest friends. How incredibly awful.

I finally was feeling lately that this would never happen again. I thought I was doing alright on the friend area. But, again, it's happened. And I feel completely hopeless. My mom has so many lifelong friends, and always will. I see her put effort into her friends, and they reciprocate. I thought it was finally happening for me, but it is definitely not.

So, is it me? Or is it the people I try to befriend? 

Either way, I'm evaluating everything about myself, top to bottom and making improvements. If not just for me, for my family and everyone I associate with. And I'm teaching my kids what being a friend really, actually means. And I hope it sticks.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I know I am blessed and have people who love me no matter what. Part of moving around so much is that i know that losing friends is part of reality. And you learn to rely on the Savior and your family first and formost. getting forgotten happens. And I accepted that a long time ago. Instead, I ask anyone who is reading this to please, please be kind. And include everyone. Even people you think may not need it, or want it. They want to be included. Find someone who needs including! Help them! How many times did we hear that during general conference?  

Now beyond that, this thought has been getting me through.

"Everything unfair about this life will be made right through Jesus Christ."

Or something like that.

I've heard it multiple times in the last month or so, it seems to keep popping up, and I love it. 

Pretty sure I'm so far from being a good friend, but I'm trying! Try with me?